Release Year: 2006
Platform: GameCube
Date Started: 09.12.24
Date Finished:
Progress Tracker:
Total Life: 
Heart Pieces: 14/45
Golden Bugs: 10/24
Poe Souls: 0/60
Intro
Twilight Princess was a game I’ve always looked back on fondly, however the last time I played it, according to my save data, was 2009, so it’s been quite a long time since I’ve touched the game. I don’t really remember much about it going in other than that I did like it a lot when I had rented it from Family Video back then, but I only had 2 or 3 days to do as much as I could with it, so I definitely never beat it.
I’ve only ever beaten one Zelda game to date (Breath of the Wild), but I’ve played most of them at this point, so I more or less know what I’m getting myself into. I’m excited to revisit Twilight Princess to see if it holds up as well as I remember it!
Day 1:
This was largely uneventful, I just did the tutorial section in Ordon Village, turned into a wolf, and got thrown in jail and then called it a day. I’m playing the GameCube version on a Wii, and I didn’t realize Twilight Princess had native widescreen support, which I thought was pretty cool. It’s a very pretty game, and given that it was the last major release for the GCN, you can definitely tell they tried to push the console to its limit on this one.
Day 2:
Climbed a tower, met the Princess, was given my primary objective, and then was teleported back to Ordon Village. Committed a couple felonies while I was there, put on my bug-stompin’ pants, and then turned back into Link. Fought the Hero’s Shade, which is heavily implied to be the Hero of Time, he taught me how to stab guys in the chest, and now I finally get to make my way in to the first temple of the game.
After some real big brain super genius puzzle solving, I smacked a monkey’s juicy ass a few times, and he dropped the Gale Boomerang for me, which appears to have immediately deprecated the Slingshot by giving me a ranged attack while also allowing me to pull stuff directly to me, which is mad helpful. I progressed through the rest of the dungeon, the aforementioned spanked monkey pulled up as I was fighting the boss and decided to supply Link with bombs, which were planted with surgical precision. The boss had been successfully downed, and I had completed the first dungeon.
After that, I caught some bugs, got trampled by the mailman, and then
re-entered the Twilight Zone where I become wolf-link again. Wonk.
Learned to teleport, stomped more bugs, ripped a nasty duet, and am Wonk no more. Also my horse is back, so we caught more lil buggy friends together and then went back to Ordon where the ghost of linkmas past taught me to bonk guys with my shield.
After briefly returning home to Ordon to acquire some fancy new boots, I make my way back to Kakariko Village where one of the local children has been abducted by an Ork Maw-Grunta whom I swiftly deal with by way of getting shoved off of a bridge. The kid unfortunately survived and is resting in town. I then buy the iconic Hylian Shield from the weird baby, and make my way up Death Mountain so I can wrestle with some sentient boulders.
I gotta say – the animation for Link just… picking up these 700+ lb spinning boulders with his bare hands and tossing them over his shoulder is maybe the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while. The power of incredible footwear, I guess. Shoutout Footlocker.
After reaching the top of the mountain, I am greeted by what may be the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen in my life: Gor Coron. I stand in awe of his majesty, with his stained loin cloth and those magnificent, saggy breasts. Are his nipples made of stone, or is he wearing pasties for decency’s sake? Who’s to say. Blessed by the Goddess, I fondle his sweaty, ancient body until he sensually falls out of the ring. He grants access to the Goron Mines as repayment for this encounter.
Admittedly, I didn’t love the Mines, although the zero-grav spin move Link does when he puts on the iron Timbs and gets slurped on to a magnetic surface is incredibly satisfying. This whole place was vaguely annoying to me due to just standing around waiting for stuff to happen a lot of the time, and also the quantity of enemies was kinda much in some places, but I digress. I blasted through it and got a cool new toy in the Hero’s Bow to boot, so I GUESS it was worth it. The boss here was also pretty dang fun, I like watching the big man fall over when you step on his shoelaces.
Boss down, village saved, race war ended. Hell yeah. A child sold me a sniper scope, a man with dubious intent sold me some bombs, and I caught some more bugs and got some more heart pieces. Onward to the Lanayru Province!
Day 3:
Today wasn’t a day I ended up putting a ton of time into the game, as I had plans later in the day, however I did finish up cleansing Lanayru Province and did the escort mission with the Zora princes on the cart. Unfortunately, this is the first part of the game that I’ve actively disliked. There was one Tear of Light that I just couldn’t find for way too long, and the escort mission was genuinely frustrating to complete.
Skill issue? Probably, but regardless, it was the first time that I was actively not having fun playing the game. The birds that kept dropping the bombs were looping the cart for what felt like forever, the bokoblins kept clipping my horse and running me into shit I didn’t mean to run into, and the Gale Boomerang just seemingly refused to lock on to the cart unless I was practically sitting in it, so there were a couple of unfortunate game overs.
Is it enough to make me drop the game? Absolutely not.
Was it something I found fun and would like to do ever again? Absolutely not.
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